Dear Josh

Dear Josh,

I have some exciting news to share with you. Our startup, one you’ve never heard of, recently acquired your email and now want to let you know that we’ve released something that isn’t relevant to your life.

But, and here is where you come in, you have the opportunity of a lifetime to help us take advantage of the attention of your audience for our gain only. Would you be willing to share this great news from someone you don’t give a shit about with the audience you’ve spent years cultivating?

You see, Josh, we are extremely lazy people. We want to launch our product on the back of your audience despite the fact that we have no relationship whatsoever. You don’t know us from Adam. You have done all the hard work over the years and now you have the opportunity to help someone in need for no good reason at all other than we bought your email from some asshole who sold it to us.

You would be making my personal life so much easier and I would be grateful for a least a few minutes. By helping me launch this product that we obviously don’t really care about you would be helping me appear productive to the rest of the team. We are not craftspeople who care about design or user experience, clearly. We don’t care how we have to spread the word. We’ll use whatever tactic is necessary to let as many strangers and other irrelevant people know about our product. If you help me here, you can best be sure that we’ll be getting all the benefit and you’ll be seen as a spammer.

Whether you seize this opportunity or not, I’ll forget you exist within a few hours and you’ll never hear from me again.

Thank you for your time!

Sincerely,

Joe Startup Marketer

Published: February 6th, 2014

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